The Movie Does the Talking: Adaptation

Well, as I've got a rather busy weekend ahead of me (very spooky term projects and horrifying research papers! How very Hallowe'en-y!), I've decided just to let the film do the talking. So here are some of my favourite quotes from Charlie (and Donald, hee!) Kaufman's Adaptation.

(Which, incidentally, is my third favourite movie of all time -- I'm sure you were all burning with curiousity. My favourite movie of all time being Muppet Treasure Island, followed closely by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Harry Potter series are just impossible to categorize by such goofy means, and so rise above any favouritism I could express.)

Before we get to the quotes, a synopsis:

From IMDB.com: "Frequently cynical screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (played by Nicholas Cage) has just taken on a new assignment. That is, to adapt writer Susan Orlean's "The Orchid Thief" into a screenplay, all of it based on the life of the eccentric John Laroche, an exotic plant collector based out of Florida. While his easygoing twin brother Donald, is writing scripts with ease, Charlie finds himself on a perpetual struggle that never seems to end."

(So, not only is this movie brilliant and funny in it's own right, it's brilliant and funny because it's a screenplay about a screenwriter trying to write a screenplay. It's also brilliant and funny because Donald is often reading bits and pieces of a sort of "Screenplays for Dummies" handbook he's using to write his first screenplay, and the movie itself goes to great lengths to completely disregard everything Donald reads immediately after he reads it. Charlie Kaufman (the screenwriter, not the main character in this case -- confusing...) lays out the road map for us, and then makes a great point of completely ignoring it. Completely brilliant. And funny. Hee.)

(Just one more aside and then I'm done: yes, this will be rather spoilery. And if I could have, I would likely have included two thirds of the movie, so I've tried to be as selective as I'm able, and just chose bits which were particularly funny or poigniant to me -- as a result, a lot of the stuff I'm posting is Donald and Charlie talking about screenplays, which is likely because I (try to) write screenplays myself, so this sort of thing really strikes me. This isn't to say that the John Laroche/Susan Orleane thread of the movie isn't as wonderful or as funny. In short, this is just what I like about the movie. See it yourself -- there's much more than I could ever post.)

And now (finally, I know), the quotes.

---

DONALD
Yeah. Anyway. I pitched mom my screenplay --

CHARLIE
Don't say "pitch".

DONALD
Sorry. Anyway, she loved my... telling of my story to her. She said it's "Silence of the Lambs" meets "Psycho."

CHARLIE
Hey, maybe you and mom could collaborate. I hear she's really good with structure.

DONALD
You think you're so superior, Charles. Well, I'm really gonna write this. And you'll see. And, and... you suck, okay?

-----

DONALD
Look, you wanna hear my pitch, or what? [...] Hey, thanks a lot, man. Cool. [...] Okay, there's this serial killer, right --

Charlie groans, lies down, stares at the ceiling.

DONALD (CONT'D)
No, wait. See, he's being hunted by a cop. And he's taunting the cop, right? Sending clues who his next victim is. He's already holding her hostage in his creepy basement. So the cop gets obsessed with figuring out her identity, and in the process he falls in love with her. Even though he's never even met her. She becomes, like, the unattainable, like the Holy Grail.

CHARLIE
It's a little obvious, don't you think?

DONALD
Okay, but there's a twist. See, we find out the killer suffers from multiple personality disorder. Okay? See, he's really also the cop and the girl. All of them are him! Isn't that fucked-up?

Donald waits, proud.

CHARLIE
The only idea more overused than serial killers, is multiple personality. On top of that you explore the notion that cop and criminal are really two aspects of the same person. See every cop movie ever made for examples of this.

DONALD
Mom called it psychologically taut.

-----

CHARLIE
To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. So I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana nut. That's a good muffin.

-----

DONALD
Anyway, listen, I meant to ask you, I need a cool way to kill people. Don't worry! For my script! Ha ha!

CHARLIE
I really don't write that kind of stuff.

DONALD
Oh, man, please. You're the genius.

Charlie stares at Donald, rubs his eyes, sighs.

CHARLIE
Here you go. The killer's a literature professor. He cuts off little chunks of his victim's bodies until they die. He calls himself "The Deconstructionist."

DONALD
That's kinda good. I like that.

CHARLIE
See, I was kidding, Donald.

DONALD
Oh, okay. Sorry. You got me! Ha-ha. Do you mind if I use it, though?

-----

DONALD
Charles, I'm putting a song in. Like when characters sing pop songs in their pajamas and dance around. I thought it might be a nice way to break the tension. So, try to think of a song about multiple personality. Hey, where you going?

-----

DONALD
I'm putting in a chase sequence now. The killer flees on horseback with the girl. The cop is after them on a motorcycle. It's like a battle between motors and horses. Like technology versus horses.

-----

DONALD
Also, I wanted to thank you for your idea. It was very helpful. I changed it a little. Now the killer cuts off body pieces and makes the victims eat them. It's, like, Caroline has this great tattoo of a snake swallowing it's tail and --

CHARLIE
Ourobouros.

DONALD
I don't know what that means.

CHARLIE
The snake is called Ourobouros.

DONALD
I don't think so. But, anyway, it's cool for my killer to have this modus operandi. Because at the end when he forces the woman, who's really him, to eat herself, he's also eating himself to death.

-----

CHARLIE
What if a writer is attempting to create a story where nothing much happens, where people don't change, they don't have any epiphanies. They struggle and are frustrated and nothing is resolved. More a reflection of the real world --

MCKEE
The real world? The real fucking world? First of all, if you write a screenplay without conflict or crisis, you'll bore your audience to tears. Secondly: Nothing happens in the world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day! There's genocide and war and corruption! Every fucking day somewhere in the world somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else! Every fucking day someone somewhere makes a conscious decision to destroy someone else! People find love! People lose it, for Christ's sake! A child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman! If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know much about life! And why the fuck are you taking up my precious two hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!

CHARLIE
Okay, thanks.

-----

ORLEAN
[just a bit toasted now] I wish I were an ant. They're very shiny.

LAROCHE
You're shinier than any ant, darlin'.

ORLEAN
That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

-----

CHARLIE
I wasted [my life]. I admire you, Donald, y'know? I spent my whole life paralyzed worrying what people think of me and you -- you're oblivious.

DONALD
I'm not oblivious.

CHARLIE
No, you don't understand. I say that as a compliment. I really do.
(beat)
There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.

DONALD
Oh, God. I was so in love with her.

CHARLIE
I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was really sweet to you.

DONALD
I remember that.

CHARLIE
Then when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. It was like they were laughing at me. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

DONALD
I knew. I heard them.

CHARLIE
How come you looked so happy?

DONALD
I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

CHARLIE
She thought you were pathetic.

DONALD
That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

-----

See? Definitely the third best movie of all time. Yup.

132 Minutes You'll Never Get Back: Van Helsing

When one sits down to write a review on Van Helsing, one finds themselves pausing often. When there are this many jokes to make, it's hard to decide where to start. I think we can start by giggling at Hugh Jackman's hair. Or Richard Roxburgh's hair. Or David Wenham's hair. Yup.

The problem with Van Helsing is that it starts out so remarkably well. The first chunk of the movie is done in black and white, and is a brilliant send off of those old monster movies, complete with, "GOOD LORD! I would kill myself before helping in such a task!" type lines. (To which Dracula replies, "Fell free. I don't actually need you anymore.", instantly endearing him to us.) There are villagers with pitchforks and torches, and the kind of laboratory we expect of Victor Frankenstein, and even a flaming windmill. This is done so perfectly, with just the right blend of old-style camp and modern day effects that we instantly expect this of the rest of the movie.

And then the colour returns and it becomes a flashy, look-what-we-can-do-with-a-computer-ma! special effects extravaganza. Please do not misread: the special effects are very cool, and I went into the movie expecting it to be a special effects movie. It's just that they gave me such a great first scene that my expectations were immediately elevated, and then cruelly dashed.

The Dracula who fit perfectly into the opening scene (I've heard the term "gay hairdresser from Prague" bandied about) seems sadly out of place in the rest of the film. With bipolar swings from rage to self-satisfaction in split seconds (gnawing happily on the scenery the whole time), Dracula is a constant reminder of how much fun the movie could have been if everyone else took it a little less seriously. He undeniably gets some of the best lines in the film, in particular his rant about being hollow (super funny not only because of the dialog itself, but also because of the accent. Love the accent) and his request to Van Helsing at one point to "be friends" (why can't all villians be that nice?).

Everyone else seems entirely sure that they are super cool. This might have worked out, but for a few things. Dracula's servants appear to be evil Oompa Loompas. Kate Beckinsale's pants are really distracting. And you can't help but get the feeling that Dracula's always hitting on Van Helsing just a little. There are other things that are just major plot holes, and though you know you should be paying attention to the movie, you just can't help but wonder why Van Helsing would take his gloves OFF to reach into the icky vampire egg sack (the words "vampire egg sack" alone are enough to make me want to wear several pairs of gloves).

The whole movie isn't a bust, though. Richard Roxburgh is, as I've said, EXCELLENT as Dracula (though, admittedly, I've been a bit biased about Richard Roxburgh since Moulin Rouge), David Wenham is perfectly adorable as Carl (and gets lines almost as good as Richard Roxburgh does, and has hair almost as funny), and the effects really are neat. The werewolf transformations are among my favourites (at one point one character actually climbs up the wall (especially cool because he has his back to it) as he rips his skin off to reveal patches of fur beneath. -- COOL!!!), and if Dracula's brides weren't so mindbogglingly annoying, they would be really fantastic too (they look fantastic anyway -- a really interesting take on vampires).

If you can get past some of the massive plot holes (as in most movies, only one thing can destroy Dracula -- that's fine. But there's only one thing that Dracula can do to counteract the one thing that can destroy him. Like most villians, Dracula seems to think that keeping the only thing that can save him from his doom on the far side of his castle, protected by easily defeated traps is more sensible than just keeping the thing on his person.) then it's a fairly good action flick. If you can turn off your brain for a couple of hours, then you can certainly enjoy the silly accent extravaganza that is Van Helsing.

(Also, just in case I haven't made this clear, Dracula is AWESOME. Seriously.)

-----

If you really want to have fun watching Van Helsing, there are a few drinking games out there (this particular one makes some excellent points both about the finer points of werewolf hunting, and the flaws in Dracula's plans (flaws! that's not possible!)).

Even better, if you haven't the time to watch the movie, the immensely funny Cleolinda has written the immensely funny Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes. A quick warning to the munchkins in the audience: she is more vulgar than I am, but she's also funnier than I am, so it balances out. She also made very funny LiveJournal icons, should you be interested in that sort of thing.

Geek on Film: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

If there's anything I like more than zombies, it's giant robots capable of mass destruction. And if there's anything I like more than giant robots capable of mass destruction, then it's giant robots capable of mass destruction destroying things. In mass quantities. WOO!

But enough about me. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, henceforth Sky Captain so that my wrists don't burst into flames before I finish this review, is, of course, a movie featuring giant robots of mass destruction, and Jude Law.

Watching the trailer (so very very many times -- dear Hollywood: please stop pushing release dates back, thanks) it seemed to me fairly likely that Sky Captain was sadly going to be one of those (ever more frequent) movies that drowns in it's own hype. I kept hearing things like, "it looks like the Rocketeer meets Star Wars!" or "if Indiana Jones and Star Wars had a baby, it would be this film!". Alright, a) who saw the Rocketeer anyway, and b) movies can't have babies. And also c) Star Wars?! [insert terribly witty joke re: Gywenth Paltrow and Chewbacca here.] There we go.

It was also bound to have problems because in this modern movie age, we are used to film makers trying to make things seem as real as possible. We have been spoiled by movies like the Lord of the Rings, in which characters like Gollum became so belivable that you stopped thinking, "wow, what an amazing advance in technology" and were able to spend your time instead thinking, "wow, his eyes are almost as big as Elijah Wood's". In the 60s when the original Batman movie starring Adam West was released, that foam-rubber shark was COOL. The Penguin's submarine was AWESOME. Or, at the very least, people were willing to make a little more effort to believe in these things, so they filled in the blanks. In this day in age, bitter and jaded as we are, we will happily snort at anything that doesn't seem flawless. So when they stick a fishbowl on Angelina Jolie's head, dunk her underwater and try to tell us it's cool, a lot of people aren't going to get on board for that. Which is really sad, because if they could, they'd end up with a pretty enjoyable movie experience.

Sky Captain is great for a lot of reasons. It's fun to watch a movie that you know, unconditionally, will end with the good guy smiling at the camera, CG sparkle added to his smile, girl of his dreams on his arm, and the world safe once again. This is especially fun because this means that they can put our dashing hero into all sorts of unlikely situations, and we will accept pretty much whatever solution comes along, because we know how the film has to end. This may sound terrible, but it's actually really refreshing. It's really like watching the original Batman. Running out of air? Get out that container of Bat-Oxygen, Robin! No way past the evil robot sentinels? Use that ray-gun-of-death Dex inexplicably started the movie with, and never explains, Sky Captain! Hurrah! Sky Captain wins again!

But there's also a downside to this. The girl of Cap's dreams is inevitably obnoxious, and ends up doing remarkably stupid things, which never seem to work out as they should. If she stands in the middle of the street trying to get a photograph of the giant robots menacing the city, logic would dictate that she be crushed by these giant robots as penance for unforgivable stupidity. No such luck. As such, I suggest you steer impressionable children away from this movie -- I wouldn't want my cousins thinking they can get away from such situations unscathed. Remember kids: stupidity + giant robots = SQUISHY DEATH.

It's also worth mention (though everyone knows) that the entire movie was done against a blue screen. I mention this not because you can tell, but because you will probably spend half the movie trying to see if you can tell. To my fairly untrained eye, though, everything looked really spectacular. The washed-out colours and the soft focus really captured the mood of the era. Of course (if IMDB trivia is right, that is), the entire thing was done with Adobe After Effects, and, having sold my soul to Adobe, I am required to say such things.

All in all, Sky Captain is excellent for what it is. It was perfectly cast -- none of the actors takes themselves too seriously, so the illusion of the film remains intact throughout, amdist evil robots, a very large rocket ship, Sir Laurence Olivier's giant floating head, and what ends up being a very very silly (but enjoyably so) plot. If you go in expecting the lovechild of Indiana Jones and Star Wars you likely be disappointed, but if you're prepared for the camp (and prepared to give in to the camp) you will thoroughly enjoy it.

---------------

All right, so that was the end of the review. You've no obligation to read any further. But as a fan of movies, and as the daughter of an aviation enthusiast (to put it mildly), there are a few things I feel I must say, or I may have an aneurism.

At a certain point during the film, the part of Sky Captain's plane that controls ascension and descension becomes jammed. Cap is then heard to proclaim, "I can't pull up, the rudder is jammed."

The rudder.

Excuse me?

The rudder?

I will believe giant robots ransacking New York, I will believe a Captain in the British Air Force with an eyepatch (depth perception; not as important as you might think in the Air Force) but I will not believe a pilot who cannot properly identify the parts of his airplane. (Nor will I believe that none of the members of the British Air Force on the other end of the transmission did not pipe up and say, "Can't pull up because of your rudder? No, I imagine your rudder wouldn't be much help. Twat.")

Okay, so, let's have a brief lesson in the parts of an airplane, for those of you in the audience who wrote Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

I'm not saying that planes don't have rudders. Of course they have rudders. But so do boats. Generally, when a boat goes downwards, it's not because of anything that anyone on board did on purpose. Rudders control horizontal movement.

The elevator on the other hand, controls vertical movement. Like an elevator.

I realize that it would sound a bit silly to say, "I can't pull up, the elevator is jammed!" If you don't know the terminology, it might sound a bit silly to those members of the audience. "What elevator? He's got an elevator in there?" At the same time, you just sound like a great big ass when you make a movie heavily featuring airplanes and call the elevator the rudder.

Today's second lesson, kids: a rudder will not help you pull up. ...unless you are sideways, but even then, probably not.

(Oh, and since my bonus questions seem to be crashing and burning, NO MORE BONUSES FOR YOU! Way to kill my dream... sniffle...)

Geek on Film: Shaun of the Dead

From the nation that taught us that the French are jerks (kidding, of course), that anyone who owns pigs is better left alone, and that Hugh Grant can't dance, comes Shaun of the Dead. A romantic comedy. With zombies.

It must be said before I go any further, that I am not an aficionado of the zombie movie. I haven't seen Dawn of the Dead (either of them) or Day of the Dead or Night of the Living Dead. I've pretty much shied away from anything with "of the Dead" in the title. As such, there are probably quite a lot of zombie jokes that were lost on me. (A priest, a rabbi and a zombie are out golfing one day...)

Having clarified my experience with the genre, I feel I can go on to say that despite having missed all the "of the Dead"'s, I still adored this movie. I'm sure a veteran of the genre would have even more to enjoy, but despite my inexperience I never felt as though there were anything I was missing. Funny is funny, zombies or not.

And the movie is terribly funny. There's an especially good scene (you can see bits of it in the trailer) involving Shaun, Ed, a zombie, and Shaun's record collection. There are also some really excellent scenes of Shaun walking down to the corner store to get breakfast; once pre-zombies and once mid-zombies. Terribly, terribly funny stuff.

It's because the movie is so funny that it comes as something of a shock that it has such a strong emotional core. It's a zombie movie, so you're well aware right off that not everyone is going to make it out alive, you're prepared for that. I wasn't prepared, however, for the heart-felt monologues that managed to be touching, even as zombie silhouettes flopped menacingly against windows in the background. I wasn't prepared for the friendships and the sacrifices that I could really believe, and honestly relate to. (Not that I've ever been attacked by zombies, but I have felt the urge to hit people with a cricket bat, so there you go.) The movie really is about people, and their decision to survive. Not just survive the zombie attack, but survive life, overcome complacency, do something.

But this next part is very important. I think that every zombie movie review should have a gore-o-meter, just so you know whether or not to avoid eating before hand. Shaun of the Dead is, for the most part, not all that shocking. A few gaping neck wounds, some zombie love-bites, nothing to worry about. There is precisely one point in the movie that made me feel like heaving into my popcorn bag. Luckily, you should be able to see it coming. So unless you're a fan of entrail-scooping, you'll likely only find yourself feeling ill a grand total of once in an hour and a half. (If you are a fan of entrail-scooping, you'll probably feel a little ripped off. I apologize.)

So there you have it, Shaun of the Dead. An A+ for fans of British romantic-comedies, zombie movies, and a minimum of entrail-scooping! If you're even the least bit curious about it, go and see it, it's worth your $10.95.

---------------

Fill-in-the-Blank Action Hero

(Don't mind the title, I just couldn't think of anything cheesier. :))

In the spirit of zombie movies, here is your first ever Fill-in-the-Blank Action Hero question.

In the event of a zombie attack, who would you want to come to your rescue, and why?

So, this can be any movie character, or if you've got a really good reason for Harrison Ford to get off the big pile of money I'm sure he sleeps on to come rescue you, go to. Bonus points will be awarded for creative narratives.

Good choices probably include Bruce Campbell, Simon Pegg, or Milla Jovovich. Bad choices probably include... you know... those extras, who always end up getting eaten. Ahem.