A Rather Sticky End

This week, I’d like to beg a little indulgence as I once again stray from the usual heckling of my favourite films (I promise a return to such movie reviewery when I’ve a moment to watch a movie again... well, other than Labyrinth. You try and write a review of Labyrinth -- the urge to make David-Bowie’s-pants jokes is too strong for me to resist) and provide another episode of “What’s in the Geek’s Head This Week?”

So what is in the geek’s head this week? Aside from all those naked hobbits, of course. Well, this week, I’ve been ruminating on a particularly morbid subject: my favourite death scenes. I can make no assumptions this week as to the nature of the “favourite death scene” as it’s not something one often speaks of with their friends. “Yes! Remember when Hannibal Lector made Gary Oldman eat his own face? Wasn’t that just a kicker? Let’s all visualize it for a while.” Not so much.

Now I’m not sure if I’m just markedly ghoulish, but I do, in fact, have a few favourite death scenes. Perhaps we’ve all got a little catalogue of such movie moments that we don’t like to talk about for fear of being pegged a sociopath. More likely, I’m just weird. But it would be perfectly lovely if someone else would share their favourite death scenes... you know who you are, ahem.

Obviously, these will contain spoilers, so proceed with caution.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Since roughly half the cast dies, this film provides many a chance for actors to dazzle us with their “augh, I’m dying and it really, really hurts” noises. From the delightful shot of the Fantom’s mask laying artistically in the snow, his hand stretched out towards in a gesture REEKING of smack-you-over-the-head-with-it symbolism, to waiting for Sean Connery’s hand to just pop out of that grave followed closely by a closing credit of The End?, this movie is rife with that kind of death that makes us all point and giggle. Possibly the best part, though, is the fact that the Invisible Man, despite being reduced to a smoking mass of charred flesh, does NOT die. Sean Connery is poked a little in the back and HE dies, but though the Invisible Man is practically ROASTED alive and spends a good minute or so TWITCHING on camera, he lives. Apparently Sean Connery is just a big wuss.

Oh, no, sorry. The best part is undoubtedly Stuart Townsend as Dorian Gray’s death. While I’m sure everyone in the theatre appreciated watching Stuart Townsend rot before our very eyes, most of us couldn’t help but think, “...maybe he should have closed his eyes.”

Dead Again. While I am relatively sure very few people have ever seen this Kenneth Branagh gem, it is worth mention (and worth seeing) if, for nothing else, than the single most creative death scene I’ve ever come across.

So we’re all on the same page, a brief synopsis from IMDB.com: “Mike Church is a Los Angeles private detective who specializes in finding missing persons. He takes on the case of a mystery woman, whom he calls Grace. She is suffering from amnesia and has no memories of her own. She keeps having nightmares involving the murder of a pianist, Margaret, at the hands of her husband, Roman Strauss in the late 1940s. In an attempt to solve the mystery of these nightmares, Church seeks the help of Madson who is an antiques dealer with the gift of hypnosis. The hypnosis sessions will soon begin to reveal some surprises.”

And now I’m going to ruin the film for you. While under hypnosis, Grace comes to believe that she is the reincarnation of Margaret Strauss, and for some reason I’m sure might have been perfectly logical at the time, or might have just been because all four characters are played by the same two actors, Grace comes to believe that Mike is the reincarnation of Roman. Grace, to keep the plot going as far as I could tell, believes that Mike, like Roman before him, is going to try and kill her. With a pair of scissors no less (that’s how Roman did it, you see). So, despite obviously having fallen in love with him (which I suppose has nothing to do with anything), refuses to see him. At some point, Mike undergoes hypnosis to understand what’s going on and... GASP! Yes, as it turns out, HE’S the reincarnation of Margaret and SHE’S the reincarnation of Roman. He reveals this to the antiques dealer/hypnotist (yes, I did say this was a gem, didn’t I?) and then... dun dun dun! A PLOT TWIST! AS IT TURNS OUT, the antiques dealer is actually the son of the woman who worked as a maid in the home of Roman and Margaret Stauss. His mother was in love with Roman, but Roman was obviously preoccupied with Margaret, seeing as she was his wife and all. The antiques dealer/hypnotist (clearly long BEFORE he was an antiques dealer/hypnotist, as he was around six) is actually the one who stabbed Margaret so that Roman and his mother could be together. This is all revealed to Mike (the detective, you’ll recall) by the mother. Still with me? Mike, naturally, is concerned and goes to find Grace. Cut to Grace’s apartment, which is AWESOME, as it’s filled with sculptures of scissors (very subtle). Hundreds of them, tiny scissors and gigantic five-feet high scissors, scissor mobiles and other such scissor memorabilia. So, the antiques dealer/hypnotist, having decided that... um... Grace knows too much? That the reincarnation of Roman deserves to die? I honestly wish I could tell you. But it’s all forgotten in the face of one of the best death scenes of all time. The antiques dealer breaks into Grace’s apartment, followed closely by Mike, a tangle ensues, after much dramatic punching and attempted stabbings, Mike seemingly subdues the antiques dealer... BUT THEN the antiques dealer suddenly regains consciousness and leaps towards them, scissors outstretched, maniacal scream ushering from his lips and... well, Mike and Grace move a little to the left and the antiques dealer leaps directly onto a pair of giant scissors.

I wish I could make up things like that.

And now we come, finally, to my favourite death scene of all time... Dungeons and Dragons. I’m not sure I even need to say anything. Anyone who’s seen the movie knows precisely what I’m talkig about. There’s nothing funnier than watching Snell’s broken body get pitched off the cliff, Ridley fall to his knees in such melodramatic fashion that it is utterly mindboggling that the director didn’t stop and say, “hmmm, was that too much?”, and scream “NOOOOOO!!!!”... and then rewinding it (it’s just as funny in reverse!) and watching it again. Pure movie magic.

So I think that’s quite enough morbidity for one week. Though I’m certain it will be mentioned that I’ve managed to completely avoid the subject of death scenes with any actual meaning. The truth is, however, that I’d never want to ruin those sorts of death scenes for anyone. There are those death scenes that are very meaningful, of course, and I think my Lord-of-the-Rings-going friends have suffered enough at my sniffly hands (though it must be said that I am far outstripped in the sniffling by a certain Lord-of-the-Rings-going friend who shall remain nameless), that I hardly think my blog readers need to be subjected to any of it.

As always, feel free to leave comments about your own experiences with movie characters kicking the bucket. We all know we’ve pointed and laughed at these sorts of things at one time or another. You can admit it.