132 Minutes You'll Never Get Back: Van Helsing

When one sits down to write a review on Van Helsing, one finds themselves pausing often. When there are this many jokes to make, it's hard to decide where to start. I think we can start by giggling at Hugh Jackman's hair. Or Richard Roxburgh's hair. Or David Wenham's hair. Yup.

The problem with Van Helsing is that it starts out so remarkably well. The first chunk of the movie is done in black and white, and is a brilliant send off of those old monster movies, complete with, "GOOD LORD! I would kill myself before helping in such a task!" type lines. (To which Dracula replies, "Fell free. I don't actually need you anymore.", instantly endearing him to us.) There are villagers with pitchforks and torches, and the kind of laboratory we expect of Victor Frankenstein, and even a flaming windmill. This is done so perfectly, with just the right blend of old-style camp and modern day effects that we instantly expect this of the rest of the movie.

And then the colour returns and it becomes a flashy, look-what-we-can-do-with-a-computer-ma! special effects extravaganza. Please do not misread: the special effects are very cool, and I went into the movie expecting it to be a special effects movie. It's just that they gave me such a great first scene that my expectations were immediately elevated, and then cruelly dashed.

The Dracula who fit perfectly into the opening scene (I've heard the term "gay hairdresser from Prague" bandied about) seems sadly out of place in the rest of the film. With bipolar swings from rage to self-satisfaction in split seconds (gnawing happily on the scenery the whole time), Dracula is a constant reminder of how much fun the movie could have been if everyone else took it a little less seriously. He undeniably gets some of the best lines in the film, in particular his rant about being hollow (super funny not only because of the dialog itself, but also because of the accent. Love the accent) and his request to Van Helsing at one point to "be friends" (why can't all villians be that nice?).

Everyone else seems entirely sure that they are super cool. This might have worked out, but for a few things. Dracula's servants appear to be evil Oompa Loompas. Kate Beckinsale's pants are really distracting. And you can't help but get the feeling that Dracula's always hitting on Van Helsing just a little. There are other things that are just major plot holes, and though you know you should be paying attention to the movie, you just can't help but wonder why Van Helsing would take his gloves OFF to reach into the icky vampire egg sack (the words "vampire egg sack" alone are enough to make me want to wear several pairs of gloves).

The whole movie isn't a bust, though. Richard Roxburgh is, as I've said, EXCELLENT as Dracula (though, admittedly, I've been a bit biased about Richard Roxburgh since Moulin Rouge), David Wenham is perfectly adorable as Carl (and gets lines almost as good as Richard Roxburgh does, and has hair almost as funny), and the effects really are neat. The werewolf transformations are among my favourites (at one point one character actually climbs up the wall (especially cool because he has his back to it) as he rips his skin off to reveal patches of fur beneath. -- COOL!!!), and if Dracula's brides weren't so mindbogglingly annoying, they would be really fantastic too (they look fantastic anyway -- a really interesting take on vampires).

If you can get past some of the massive plot holes (as in most movies, only one thing can destroy Dracula -- that's fine. But there's only one thing that Dracula can do to counteract the one thing that can destroy him. Like most villians, Dracula seems to think that keeping the only thing that can save him from his doom on the far side of his castle, protected by easily defeated traps is more sensible than just keeping the thing on his person.) then it's a fairly good action flick. If you can turn off your brain for a couple of hours, then you can certainly enjoy the silly accent extravaganza that is Van Helsing.

(Also, just in case I haven't made this clear, Dracula is AWESOME. Seriously.)

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If you really want to have fun watching Van Helsing, there are a few drinking games out there (this particular one makes some excellent points both about the finer points of werewolf hunting, and the flaws in Dracula's plans (flaws! that's not possible!)).

Even better, if you haven't the time to watch the movie, the immensely funny Cleolinda has written the immensely funny Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes. A quick warning to the munchkins in the audience: she is more vulgar than I am, but she's also funnier than I am, so it balances out. She also made very funny LiveJournal icons, should you be interested in that sort of thing.